I’ve written the following blog to help people currently struggling with suicidal thoughts. I hope it also helps provide perspective for family and friends who are concerned for their loved ones. 

Think of your life. Stop thinking about others. 

Think of your own. 

Especially now, in this day and age of global interconnections with ongoing heartache and devastation.

It is hard to see joy when all we see and feel is pain. 

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, or are losing hope, it is imperative to take a deep breath and close your eyes to search for that joy you once had, so that you can remember who you are and why you are here. 

I have been battling ongoing suicidal thoughts since I was a small child. It first happened when I realized I was in a girl’s body, and not a boy’s. This realization put me in a state of shock and questioning what is my true life reality. I didn’t want to live the life of a girl. I wanted to live my life as a boy. My feelings around suicide then continued due to other traumatic life events.

As an adult, I struggle on-and-off with suicidal thoughts and feelings when I lose myself within the walls and confines of ongoing trauma, which then spark my tendency to think I am a “bad” or “wrong” person because of who I am. 

I am a transsexual man living freely and openly in the United States of America. An openly transsexual man who now wears cowboy boots with the American flag on them. I bought them for a historic week of first speaking in front of our federal judges and then closing out with the US Air Force. 

I am a sexuality educator/storyteller who uses my academic training to serve all forms of community, small and large – through both writing and speaking. My work is in an ongoing state of metamorphosis, as it is done through my own understanding of life’s meaning. While studying cultural anthropology in college, I had dreamed of becoming an ethnographer that traveled the world to observe and participate in other people’s lives in order to understand their cultures. But due to my eating disorder and increasing fear of not being in control of my diet and exercise, I ditched the idea and changed my goals. 

With my eating disorder no longer being my central focus I’ve become an ethnographer of westernized culture and eastern influence. An observer of politics colliding with the body liberation movement. A human health behaviorist that is seeking the answer to what seems like a tiny question, but underneath is the rumbling of divine meaning. 

That question is, who am I? 

Who am I? 

Being vulnerable to the public through my profession has opened me up to attacks that can knock one’s sense of self off its rocker.  Every time I recover and find myself, something happens, like a lightning bolt striking my inner spirit, which causes me to slip back into a cycling and spinning mind state. My search then continues, for an answer that keeps being elusive. 

I struggle with ongoing suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression due to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My PTSD has led me to believe that I am not lovable . . . that I have no value. Deep down, I know this isn’t true. What is true is I cannot be lovable if I do not love myself. And the longer I beat myself up, the further I slip away from being able to see or remember joy. I then become fixated on worrying about other people’s judgements, critiques or objections – which drives a further wedge between me and the desire to keep living. I then begin to severe connections. Which is why I am writing this down and sharing it. The pain we leave from suicide is what people most regret.

Yet, for people struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings: 

We believe if we kill ourselves then others will be happy. 

We believe we are part of the problem and not the solution. 

We believe there is no hope in life, due to another lightning bolt to our spirit. 

We cannot see a future, or the one we do looks bleak.

How do we help ourselves and others out of this way of thinking, seeing and experiencing the world? 

The first step is to have awareness of when these waves of emotions come over us and for how long. For me at this present moment, I have been able to find a place of state and calm, so these intense feelings are not driving me. But in the past, I’ve noticed that suicidal thoughts come throughout the day or week depending on what I am doing or focusing on. The best way to overcome them is for me to slow myself down and just let myself grieve. Even if in public. The more I grieve, the more I let out everything that deeply saddens me about living in this world. It is extremely difficult to sit with long-standing grief and feelings of despair – but hold on. Those feelings will pass, they just first need to move through you. 

The second step is to close one’s eyes and take another deep breath. Close your eyes and try to focus on your name. The one you like to go by, not necessarily your given. For me, I focus on two names and two different people, even though we are both the same. Kim and Ryan. I had 25 years living as female, and now 17 living as male in this sexed body. In focusing on your name, think of a moment or time that you’ve heard it and it made you smile. It made you feel affirmed and seen on this planet.

The third step is to reopen your eyes and look at yourself to take in your reflection. It reminds you of who you are deep down. Look into your eyes and search for your inner voice and compass for guidance. Your eyes hold the windows to your soul . . . at least that is what they always say. Given the compliments I have received for mine, I believe this to be true. I have kind green eyes. I am a kind person.

The fourth step is to listen to music (or feel it, if you are not able to hear). Listen to a lot of music. Just let yourself get lost in a CD, album or playlist. Feel the beats and rhythm. Listen to the words and how they form into lyrics. Sit and listen. Stand and listen. Walk and listen. Run and listen. Pace and listen. Sway back and forth and listen. Get back into your mind and body. Let the music carry you to a new place like flying up in the clouds on an airplane. 

The next step can happen either before what I suggested for step one, or any other time that you are ready – reach out for help. Let someone you trust know your feelings and seek or continue with your own mental health therapy. While we may feel ashamed to share our feelings of suicide, we are actually opening up the opportunity to talk about what is scaring us, weighing us down, or creating feelings of torment. Through talking, we can find clarity and forms of relief.

By doing these things it will help you calm down your nervous system. It may not be perfect, but each step we take to ground ourself back to this earth, the more we can open back up to those we love and see that love reflected back.

To keep going through all of this, I just keep asking myself. What is it that drives me in life? What is it that interests me? What is it that makes me feel complete?

My final answer – living my life with all of you. This includes the pain and hurt, and the love and joy.  

Healing is achievable the more we feel safe and able to open up to finding ourselves. 

You are not alone – National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

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Sallans expertly navigates what it means to be a 40-year-old today in a gender diverse community that’s so amorphous and rapidly changing that even highly visible trans activists can feel as though they’ve fallen out of favor, like shoulder pads and “Just Say No” billboards.

Sallans explores how language we use to define ourselves is constantly evolving; for trans folks today, that means a term of self-identity hard won just a couple decades prior (like transsexual) could be considered today’s slur. Even if it’s still the word you used when coming out, even if the sight of a rabble rousing “Transexual Menace” jacket today fills you with both pride and awe at how far we’ve come and the lives it took to get here.

While Gen Z is the group today most likely to identify as non-binary, gender diverse, or transgender, they too are redefining what those words mean and the social hierarchy in which they sit. And this hits Sallans a bit hard at times.

The author, who spent his adolescence battling self-esteem issues and an eating disorder (not realizing there were gender issues at the root), identified as a lesbian when he came out in the early 2000s. Later, the author realized he was a transgender man (hat tip to Loren Cameron, one of those Baby Boomer pioneers). That helped Sallans explain the variety of body issues he had battled and put his life in greater context. And though he was a feminist already (working at Planned Parenthood) and an LGBTQ activist, coming out as trans led him to speak about his own experiences at schools and colleges, conferences, LGBT community leaders, and businesses across the country. His first autobiography, Second Son, documented that process nearly a decade ago.

But in this new tome, Sallans is both steadfast and explorative, processing what activism and visibility mean today, from the shock of social media challengers to the changing priorities of gender diverse youth. When he’s questioned for being too binary (presumably because from a photo he can pass for a cisgender man), Sallans is alarmed. Not because he doesn’t want to elevate all trans and non-binary issues, but because after more than a decade of speaking tirelessly everywhere he’s been asked, living out as a trans man both digitally and in his home state of Nebraska (the Midwest hardly being a gender melting pot), and of working with (and serving as vice president of) the Jim Collins Foundation (a non-profit that helps trans people get gender-affirming treatment), Sallans worries that some think his voice no longer matters.

Sadly, that’s a churn any LGBTQ activist over 35 knows well. While we all know older, even senior, activists today that we still revere, the trans and queer movements are still youth-driven and what is de rigueur one moment is outdated the next. Sallans is just the latest to ride that wave and while entering middle age, question what it means.

That he does so with gracious aplomb while still offering a new vision for the future, is what sets Transforming Manhood apart as a must-read. Sallans falls in love and deals with sometimes mundane relationship issues, but he’s at his best while pleading with his own community to end acrimony and division, to be kind to one another, arguing that while 40% of trans people in one NTCE survey have attempted suicide at least once in their lives, supportive people can stop that. He makes a cognizant argument that the trans community is the only one that can inherently understand the struggles of trans people without them having to be explained. He says this as a Midwestern boy, chagrined at online bullying he sees and experiences.

But make no mistake, though he discusses love and loss, that terrifying stalker, of heckling and heartbreak and a high school reunion that surprises everyone, in Transforming Manhood, Sallans is mostly confronting his own legacy and his own death. While he confronts new fears (of saying or doing something that’s no longer politically woke), Sallans reflects on his trans heroes, those who influenced him greatly but whose names are a mystery to kids today. He wonders how long it will be —five years? ten years?—before nobody recognizes his name anymore as well.

Sallans doesn’t answer all the questions with Transforming Manhood. But he asks good ones, largely to himself but also to others his age (trans or not) that are undergoing the biggest transition of all. That dive into his own mortality will likely take him on a whole other ride, as bumpy and exhilarating as coming out did years ago. I’m thinking there will still be plenty of people who want to hear about it.

Diane Anderson-Minshall
Editorial Director of The Advocate
Author of Queerly Beloved: A Love Story Across Genders and four novels

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At the beginning of 2011, I took a risk and left my full-time job to become a self-employed public speaker and author. Being type-A, I never give up and keep my eyes/mind open to how I can continue to improve my craft, as well as work to break down barriers that impact individuals who identify as LGBTQ. 

Now, I am looking back at this year, and all the years that brought me up to this point, and feel truly grateful to everyone who 1) seek to make their environments more inclusive to LGBTQ identities and 2) to the organizers that chose me to assist with this change.

Below is a break-down of where 2018 took me, and what I hope to see happen in 2019. 

In 2018, I was on the road for 72 days, which took me to 30 different locations. I gave 40 presentations that reached over 5,000 audience members.

I visited 20 different States for these events, with New York and California tying for States I visited the most.

In healthcare, I worked with 8 different agencies including: Insurance, Hospitals, Health Centers and Specialty Clinics. 

At the corporate level, I worked with 3 different companies, including providing a keynote for Procter and Gamble’s GABLE Annual Event for LGBTQ employees, allies and outside vendors. 

I began this work with a focus on Universities, and they still remain my biggest clients with 13 different events, taking me to over 70 university speaking engagements since 2006. 

Over the past three years, I’ve expanded my work into federal and military agencies. This year, I worked with three different agencies. 

And lastly, my work with nonprofits continues with three different events. 

“I was so impressed with Ryan’s training. He has a remarkable ability to speak to everyone in the room. We were a group of 40 with diverse backgrounds and areas of focus. Every single person that I spoke to following the training said: “I felt like he was talking to me!” and “our time went too fast.” – Joanna

“Ryan is a tremendously gifted speaker. He has the ability to connect with a professional audience and convey to them concepts and materials that are pertinent to their work. But he also manages to magically weave personal anecdotes into his talks that both emphasize the points he is making and hold the attention of the audience as well as create an emotional connection with them. I left his training session more motivated than ever to enact the changes he suggested and to continue to improve the care we provide to our transgender patients.”
-Andy Petroll, MD

“Ryan is a very dynamic speaker who expertly explained a lot of information to us in a very short amount of time.”
-Anne

I am continuing to work on my second book, which picks up where Second Son left off and also dives into the complexities of identity and change experienced internally, while navigating an increasingly hostile online world.  

I am still hoping for a July, 2019 release at the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference. If I do not make this timeline, it will be based on the decision to allow a bit more space to fully flesh out each chapter. I’ll keep everyone updated!

In other news, I decided to merge my Scout Publishing LLC website with my speaker’s page at RyanSallans.Com. The time and resources it took to manage two websites was becoming too much, so I hope this streamlined approach is helpful for me as well as my customers.

Feel free to visit my store to pick up some Holiday Sales on Tshirts, journals and books!

I am currently booking for 2019 with four confirmed events on my schedule.

Happy Holidays everyone.

  I can’t wait to see you in the new year. 

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November 20th, 2017 marks the 19th anniversary of Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR). A day that was founded to memorialize  the deaths of transgender people due to hatred and prejudice. In 1998, TDOR began as a web project called “Remembering Our Dead,” and honored the unsolved murder of Rita Hester. Today, TDOR events are spread across the nation, and are used to raise awareness and visibility around the senseless acts of violence that impact the transgender community. This event is one that brings mixed emotions. It is important to have a day where we can do more work to raise awareness around violence against transgender people, with transgender people of color being most at risk. It is a day to read the names of the lives we have lost, lives that were taken from this earth, families and friends. It is a day that we hope will continue to push our society to finding ways to end violence and increase protections for transgender people in our communities.       The year 2017 has seen an increase in violence against the transgender community. So far, there have been at least 25 reported murders, the majority of people murdered have been young transgender women of color. Unfortunately, the number of deaths may be much higher, but reports often misgender individuals after death, erasing their identity, their true selves. There is a current quote that states transgender women of color have an average life-expectancy of age 35 in the United States. Age 35. TDOR is a day for us all to think about how we can play a role in ending this violence, in ending the list of lives taken too young, taken by violence. To do this work, we need to continue to explore ways to break down the barriers created in society that prevents transgender people from accessing support in their community. We also need to continually look at the role racism plays, and how we can continue to challenge systemic forms of oppression both around race and gender. TDOR is a day to remember, but also a day to remind us that we can’t create change alone, we can’t create change in silos, we create change by working together. My hope, is that in 2018, we see groups across the country join together and offer resources in order to create positive change for the transgender community and for humanity. If you are someone struggling to find support, please reach out to local resources. For individuals who are trans women of color, a helpful resource may be the Trans Women of Color Collective (TWOCC). If you are feeling suicidal, or losing hope, please call the Trans Lifeline phone number 877-565-8860. #SayHerName  #SayTheirNames

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Finding Trans-Inclusive Colleges/Universities for Your Child

Having a child go off to college is a stressful and exciting experience for families. Questions and worries may be swirling in the back of your mind as you see the taillights to the fully packed car or the backend of a suitcase being pulled down the walkway of an airport terminal. For families that have a transgender child, the questions and worries may be escalated simply because you are uncertain of how they will be supported on their campus and in the classroom. To try and help ease some of the worries that you may have for your transgender child, it is helpful to search for colleges and universities that have a track record of being trans-inclusive. In this article, I will provide families and transgender individuals examples of what to look for when searching/applying to colleges and universities.

When choosing which schools to apply to, it may be helpful to first visit the website CampusPride.Org to see which colleges and universities are ranked on the Campus Pride Index (a national LGBTQ-friendly benchmarking tool). Keep in mind, that while some places may rank high for being LGB-friendly, they may still be behind in their trans-inclusive policies. To have a better sense of where a college or university sits surrounding trans-inclusion, take the next step on Campus Pride’s website and visit their Campus Pride Trans Policy Clearinghouse at CampusPride.Org/TPC. On this site, you can see which colleges and universities have inclusion policies on the following topics:

• Nondiscrimination policies
• Covered transition-related medical expenses
• Gender-inclusive housing
• Name and gender change policies
• Intramural sports policies
• Identity questions and options on admissions and enrollment forms
• and Trans-inclusive women’s colleges.

From there, the next steps are identifying which colleges or universities you are interested in, and what feelings you get from the campus. This can be done by first visiting the campus website, speaking to campus staff in residence life, student affairs, admissions, and health and wellness, and finally by scheduling a campus visit.

Below is more detail regarding what to look for on a campus website and during a campus visit. 

Website:

Go to that campus website and look to see if they support transgender students. First look at the campus nondiscrimination policy and note whether the policy includes gender identity and gender expression. In my professional trainings, I inform campuses that the nondiscrimination policy is the foundation for which they can build further inclusion. Next, look to see if they have a LGBTQ resource center, and if so, if they have paid staff running the center or if it is volunteer based. A campus that has a resource center with paid staff is a sign that they are more equipped to support LGBTQ students and employees. These centers and staff also provide more opportunities for the campus to have LGBTQ programming and advisors for LGBTQ student organizations. If it is hard to find this info, try searching the site by entering “LGBTQ” or to be more specific, enter “transgender” in the search field. Look to see what information comes up on these topics. If there is nothing that comes up, this is not a good sign as it indicates that conversations and programming are not happening on that campus.

Residence Life:

Call up the campus and ask to speak to residence life about your child. Ask them if they have gender-neutral housing and what that housing looks like. Other questions to ask include:

• Is gender-neutral housing available for first-year students?
• Does it cost more to live in gender-neutral housing?
• Are there gender neutral restroom and shower facilities on the floor?

If the answer is “no” to one, or all, of these questions, then ask the staff how they would accommodate your child. Some campuses work case-by-case when it comes to housing and will have answers readily available for you. If the staff does not have answers, and is having a hard time pointing you to someone that does, then it may be a sign that this campus will be harder to navigate for your child. Ask them if they are willing to look at their policies and if they have any future plans to have training on this topic.

Admissions:

If your child hasn’t legally changed their name or gender marker, then it is important to see if the campus is set up to allow students to use their name and pronoun that is different from legal name and pronoun to affirm the student and their identity and to also potentially decrease incidents of harassment and discrimination. Ask them if your child’s name, pronoun and gender can be used on all documentation if they have not been legally changed. Documentation includes their Student ID, Class Rosters, Admissions and Records. If the person you speak to says they cannot enter a student’s name that is different from their legal name, ask them why. Most likely, the response will be related to the software system that the campus is using. Many software systems are changing entry fields to accommodate names different from a person’s legal name. Ask them if they can look into whether their software system is providing this update.

Health, Wellness and Recreation Centers:

Health, wellness and recreation are important parts of maintaining a person’s well-being. For transgender students, there is often concern about how they will be treated at health and wellness centers and if they will feel comfortable at a recreation center. If your insurance doesn’t cover transition-related care, check to see if the campus offers trans-inclusive student health insurance. If they do, look to see what all is included in their student benefits and if there are limitations or financial caps on what is covered. Next, inquire about medical and mental health staff knowledge on working with transgender patients. If they do not have providers that work with transgender patients, do they have a resource network in the community, and if so, are those providers covered underneath the insurance plan you are using? Lastly, if there is a pharmacy on campus, can students access hormone therapy there, and if not, are there other options in the community?

When touring the recreation facility, inquire about their intramural sports policy. Is it inclusive toward transgender students, allowing them to play on the team that aligns with their gender identity? If not, what is their policy for transgender students and team sports? Also, take note of the infrastructure of the facility. Are there locker rooms and restroom facilities that a transgender student will feel comfortable using?

Restrooms:

If you go on a campus tour, look to see where the gender-neutral restrooms are located. Ideally, each building will have gender-neutral restrooms, but in many situations, gender-neutral restroom availability is lacking. Some campuses will provide maps that show where on campus a person can access gender-neutral restrooms. Other campuses are more technologically savvy and may even have an app for smart phones that provides info on where gender-neutral restrooms are on the campus.

While the school you choose may not have checkmarks next to everything that I’ve listed, assess how the campus and staff interacted with you and your child. If you feel they are aware of where there are barriers and are willing and able to work with you and your child to create a safe and inclusive campus, you are in a better position than going with a college or university that is still struggling to even get gender identity and inclusion added to their nondiscrimination policy.

I’ve trained colleges and universities around the nation on this topic, and feel confident that we’ll continue to see campuses break down the barriers that transgender students face (some faster than others). In the meantime, having parent(s)/guardians, that support their transgender children, advocate for change by asking the questions I’ve posted will keep this topic in front of staff and administration.

 

This article is part of Ryan’s new “I Support You” Campaign. With the shift of our nation’s political climate, now more than ever, we need to continue to raise awareness and visibility, while also supporting one another. Learn more about the campaign. 

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Locker rooms. 

Some people may feel slightly uncomfortable when entering locker rooms due to the stench of body odor or the unexpected surprises when you round the corner and see someone naked. This becomes even more awkward if the person acts like a nudist and begins to talk to you as their naked body shakes and giggles in places only lovers should witness.

Other people, like myself, absolutely dread the locker room. No spa-like qualities or fancy bathroom fixtures will change my feelings toward the energy I feel when passing through the doorway and into a world that feels far too private to share with others. 

After attempting to find a neutral ground with the locker room I’ve given up. I’ve had too many run-ins with naked bodies reflected by mirrors or placed directly in front of me. It never seemed to fail, no matter which locker spot I chose to change at, each time I reached down to snatch up my bag a guy next to me decided to drop his drawers, leaving my face there next to his hairy ass, it would have been slightly better if I could have at least been greeted with one smooth and hairless.
Some people may read this and think, seeing a bunch of naked men isn’t so bad, but for me it reminded me of a comfort I’d never have around other men, even after completing all of my surgeries. So, I’ve surrendered to finding a gym close to my house and working out during a time where I have the time to run home and jump in the shower. Not all people have this luxury, so from here on, I’m going to go over options a trans man like myself can take when preparing for the locker room experience.

But, before we can explore these options, we first need to ask ourselves, are we even comfortable using the male side of the locker room? I wasn’t comfortable until I started to get some facial hair. I have always used my facial hair to cover up my insecurities around how people perceive me. I suggest exploring things that make you feel more comfortable and successful in “passing” (I don’t really care for that word) when you first start your transition. It could be wearing a ball cap, wearing baggy clothes, or carrying yourself with a certain strut. We all need to judge our own comfort and assess when we are ready to make the big transition to using male restrooms and locker rooms full time. I recommend though that you join a gym where you didn’t frequent a lot prior to your transition. If you are a person who is always on a routine then the one’s that saw you there before may call you out if they see you going into a different room. You could also just start going at a different time.

So, now, we are getting ready to go full time in the male’s locker room. The next thing I recommend to do is tour different gyms in your city (if you have that option) and during the tour ask the person showing you around to also show you the locker room. Looking around places with someone that works there helps reduce insecurities and the fear that people think you are a creeper. 

During your tour ask yourself how you feel when in the locker room and evaluate if the space gives you options.

• Can you find a place to change with more privacy?
• Are there restrooms in the room that you could change in?
• What do the showers look like? (Some places are now putting in single stalls with doors.)
• Does your gym have a pool? If so, could you use the shower facility while in a bathing suit?
• Would you have the option of changing at your work before even going to the gym?

There may be other things you are struggling with along with just trying to find a place you feel comfortable to change. 

This can include:

• Binding if you haven’t had or don’t desire to complete chest surgery.
• Wearing a packer to enhance the bulge in your shorts or to try and conceal your body when you shower.

Below are some of my thoughts around these issues.

I was very fortunate, I didn’t bind before my transition, and then when I began my transition I underwent chest surgery first. So I can sympathize with everyone who struggles with binders, but I can’t fully relate. I can say, in regard to health and safety, be very careful when working out if you are wearing a binder. You don’t want to have restrictive breathing which could lead to you passing out. You also don’t want to wear a binder that is too tight. Get measured and buy the right size, otherwise you risk breaking or separating a rib (very painful!) If possible, look into sports bras that give you good compression and then wear a tank top and a t-shirt on top of that. 

Wearing packers. I have to say, the first year of my transition I spent over one-hundred dollars trying out different packers and the one thing they all had in common were, they sucked. No matter what packer I bought, the three-inch or the five-inch, the one that is softer or harder, and the underwear that holds them in or the harness you pass them through I always looked like I had a huge boner. I tried placing the packer left, right, directly in front facing down or up but nothing helped. I also hated how it rubbed against my body and stuck to my skin. I quickly concluded packers and me aren’t friends. If you are worried about how your crotch looks when working out, I suggest buying super baggy shorts that you can pull further down. Also, unless you are being cruised, how your crotch looks in your shorts isn’t most likely going to be something other people are looking at. 

If your gym has a pool and you could use your swim trunks to cover up your junk as you shower I suggest it. If your pool has a policy where you can’t wear anything in the showers before entering the pool, then try to be sneaky. You could take some water and run it through your hair or pat your face so that you look like you just got out of the pool and jumping into the shower to wash off. If you haven’t had chest surgery then you could also try wearing tank tops designed for the water or if you had had chest surgery and are a little insecure about your scars you can do what I used to do and cover the scars with one of your arms when facing other people.

Phew, so much work just to change clothes and get a work out in! I’m thinking of all of you struggling with finding your comfort at the gym. If it is something you can’t get past, being in the outdoors or doing some activities at home can also be very rewarding and give you some results. 

**
Ryan Sallans is a public speaker, diversity trainer, consultant, publisher and author specializing in health care, campus inclusion and workplace issues surrounding the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer/Questioning (LGBTQ) community. He is also publisher and editor-in-chief of the quarterly literary journal, The Outrider Review which explores themes surrounding sexuality, gender and identity and features artists and writers worldwide. And author of his memoir Second Son: Transitioning Toward My Destiny, Love and Life.

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“The needle never really stops intimidating me. I like to pretend that I’m tough, and that it doesn’t bother me anymore, but I would be kidding myself. . . The five o’clock shadow that now lines the edges and contours of my neck, chin, and cheeks is almost completely filled in. A strong build now holds up my frame; skin on top of muscle, on top of bone, with some fat mixed in here and there. A voice resonates from my chest through my vocal cords and out into the ears of anyone listening. I’ve been told my voice partly resembles that of a gay man due to its pitch and intonation. I don’t mind if people assume I’m gay; I find comfort in people hearing a male voice and seeing a male body. What they assume my orientation is doesn’t matter to me. It’s the “T,” the nickname for testosterone that brings me this rite of passage; it’s the T that may seem daunting and unfair at times, but also makes me feel proud to be who I am. I engage in this injection ritual every ten days and will continue administering the shots the rest of my life. T will forever be a part of my journey…”

The week before I started on hormone therapy the main emotion that ruled my day-in/day-out activities was terror. This may come to a surprise to some, and a moment of connection for others. I knew that starting on testosterone was something I wanted, but I was terrified of the changes that would make my transgender identity no longer a secret, a wish, or a desire. Once I went on testosterone my body would change and people would notice.

Of course the whole point of going on “T” is to have the body change, to have the voice drop, to have people use “Sir” or “He” or “Buddy” (I get a lot of “buddies”) instead of “Ma’am” or “She” or “Lady”. But preparing for that first appointment where I would receive that first injection and then wait for the unknowns was overwhelming. While I waited that very long week, questions kept cycling through my brain: How people will react? Who will turn their back on me? Who will embrace me and call me by my chosen name? What should my new name be? How will my parents and family interact with me as my physical appearance continues to change? Will I be happy?  

As the week moved into just hours and I was closer to being a man on the outside, shedding any last part that could be read as a woman, I feared that my continual anxiety around going on hormones meant that I was not ready for this step in my transition. I then began to question if I was even transgender at all, or just a kid in recovery from an eating disorder trying to find another way to manipulate a body that has become that friend that you have no choice but to be friends with even though you can’t stand them.

I am standing here now, nine years later, and all I can say is that taking that very hard step into my doctor’s office and putting that very big needle in my leg for the first time, was the strongest I have ever felt in defining my own journey and my identity. Within milliseconds of the T rushing into me, filling my leg muscle and soaking into my tissue, I felt the fear being pushed out of my body by a warming rush of happiness. As the day pushed on, and I limped around the city with a very sore leg muscle, I knew that although my maleness was still invisible to the naked eye, it was growing inside of me and would slowly blossom for everyone to see.

When people learned of my new identity and the hormonal treatments that were core to assisting me, questions began to pop up. Will your personality change? Will you become angry? Will you die younger? Do you need to continue on hormones the rest of your life? What happens if you get off of testosterone? Will you ever want children? Are you sure they are safe to use? What if you get cancer? . . . and the questions continued.

My pat answer when the barrage of questions hit me was, “I’d rather live even just five years as me, than another thirty to fifty as a person I was never meant to be.” This helped some people, but others continued to stay focused on the concreteness of my decision and how that would play out in the future. For those individuals, I can now report that my personality has stayed the same, I have never been an angry person and (unless driving) do not see that changing. Any one of us could die at any given time, could testosterone be the cause of that, maybe, but research is showing it is safe and effective for longer term use. And if kids happen into my life, they were meant to be part of it, if not, it wasn’t my time on this planet to be a parent outside of the people I’ve mentored over the years.

            With all of the fears around hormones, the longer I have been on them, the more uneventful my life has become. In my experience, after the first three years of being on testosterone not much changes. My health is the same, my mood and energy are typically stable, my blood pressure has risen slightly, but I feel that is connected more to stress than the hormone that I inject into my body.

As I have become Ryan, sir, he, or buddy, to the outer world, I am working on a new journey; I’m working on how to live a life where my transition doesn’t rule who I am, my choices, and my identity. This is proving to be a more difficult journey as I am realizing some of the most exciting moments in my life have been due to the experiences I’ve had in making me. When I first started on hormones I felt like a kid waiting for Christmas day. I used to count down the days and have troubles sleeping the nights before an injection because I was so excited to have another dose in my body. I knew that extra dose would add another hair to my chin and cheeks. I knew another dose would cause a slight drop in my voice. I knew that next dose would get me one step closer to never having a period again. I knew that with each workout my body would start shaping into what I saw when I closed my eyes and fantasized about me.

All of this excitement lasted for a year and a half, but has since faded into nothing. Now I have to remind myself what day it is in relation to my last injection. I have to give myself a pep talk before putting that one-inch needle into my leg. I now count the number of hairs left on my head instead of what is coming in on my chin. I now go to the doctor to see if I am at risk for high blood pressure and if I should reduce the amount of salt, dairy and meat in my life.  I am now officially, just a guy who is aging.

This, to me, is something I find fascinating about a transition. For most people, once you become unexcited or bored with something, you quit and move on to something else, but with a transition, more specifically hormone therapy, although I’m not excited about it anymore, it is something that is necessary for me to continue for the rest of my life. It used to be a symbol of my identity, but has now become a medical treatment, a prescription, a thing I need, not a thing I want.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have moments of feeling fresh, revived and excited when holding that little glass bottle before putting it away for another ten days until my next injection. I am just finding that as the years pass I am starting new transitions that aren’t related to being transgender, now I’m trying to figure out how to be just another person in this world; a person that has to continually work on my relationships both with my own body and the people around me. Thanks to testosterone, this is easier than it was in the past, but hormones can only do so much, the bigger influence is attitude and heart. 

Ryan Sallans is a public speaker, diversity trainer, consultant, publisher and author specializing in health care, campus inclusion and workplace issues surrounding the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer/Questioning (LGBTQ) community. He is also publisher and editor-in-chief of the quarterly literary journal, The Outrider Review which explores themes surrounding sexuality, gender and identity and features artists and writers worldwide. And author of his memoir Second Son: Transitioning Toward My Destiny, Love and Life.

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