It is that time of year again, whether you actually celebrate the holidays being recognized or not, you are still surrounded by the messaging, school closings, days off (unless you work retail) and family gatherings. Depending on your family dynamic, this can either be an enjoyable experience, or the moments that you dread weeks before the actual gathering.
You may be dreading:
The distant aunt that gets all of her information from Fox News.
The parent or parents that you recently came out to via a card purchased from the local pharmacy that shouts “Surprise!” as they open it, and then see “I’m gay!” written under, “Have a great day!” .
Or your sister’s boyfriend who swears he has never met a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person in his life, and then asks about how you “do it” as you are taking a bite of mashed potatoes at the dinner table.
In these moments, suddenly, you become the “other” the object people either want to briefly look at and smile before they return to other discussions, or the person people want to dissect and target. If you are the later, this could be when the assaults begin:
“You’re young. You’ll change once you get a little older.”
“Everyone in college experiments, it’s just a phase.”
“Queer?! Why would you want to identify as a freak?”
“She . . .[instead of he] . . . always has liked wearing boy’s clothes. ‘She’s’ just a tomboy.”
“When you are under our roof, we don’t talk about ‘that’ stuff.”
“…….[awkward silence]…….”
Having experienced both enjoyment and dread over my lifetime, I’ve learned the key to survival is – – learning how to duck and then taking a strong, nonthreatening and mature stance.
Let’s first explore learning how to duck. This phrase can be taken literally, I’m sure a few readers have seen actual objects being thrown that would require a physical body to actually duck, but it also can be taken as a metaphor. Visualize yourself in a slow motion matrix where the unwanted words, comments or mispronouning leaves the mouth of the attacker, and like a slow smoke encased in Jell-O begins to travel toward you. From past experience you know that when it hits it will be absorbed and embedded under your skin where it will slowly attack your heart and soul. But instead of making contact, imagine that as the attacking words are traveling closer and closer, you lean forward, backwards or squat into a catcher’s position. As you propel down you look up and see the smoke encased in Jell-O move above and past you where it either smears against the wall or breaks through the window and out into the world. The intent of harming through passive or direct language has now been thwarted.
This, of course, cannot take away what has been said. It cannot take away that deep feeling of disapproval, shame, or abandonment. But it can help in building a shield. It can help in reaffirming the internal mantra, “This is not about me. It is about them.” Say it again and repeat it as many times as you need to, to fully believe. “This is not about me. It is about them.”
Remind yourself that when people don’t understand something, they fear it. When someone fears something, they become defensive. This is a natural reaction, one that any one of us has experienced at least once in our lifetime.
But how do you handle family when they are defensive toward you and fearful of your identity?
This takes us to the second part of taking a strong, nonthreatening and mature stance. The one thing we want to avoid is attacking back. Fighting negative with negative, much like matching up two negative ends of two magnets, will only polarize the conversation and leave you both feeling rejected and unheard. Rather, ask yourself, what has helped you come to a place of acceptance or understanding when it is related to something you have feared? The most common answer to this question is being able to be in a place where you can learn without feeling threatened. Even if you are still scared or confused, being allowed a place to have these feelings without feeling attacked for those feelings can help bring about change.
The second thing to do is to be the mature adult, even if you are thirty years younger than the verbal attacker. It sometimes amazes me what comes out of the mouths of those that are supposed to be the leaders, elders or role models when they feel defensive. It amazes me how they revert back to a child, both verbally and through body language, losing all rationality while throwing their tantrums.
Here are some examples:
They say: “You’re young. You’ll change once you get a little older.”
You reply: “You are right, I will learn more about who I am as I age. Just like I have learned more about my lesbian identity as I have aged.”
They say: “Everyone in college experiments, it’s just a phase.”
You reply: “I totally agree with you about me going through some phases. My intense obsession with collecting stickers and putting them in books ended last year. But my identity is not a phase, I’ve known about my feelings since I was age (fill in the blank) and with each year they grow stronger, as do I.”
They say: “When you are under our roof, we don’t talk about ‘that’ stuff.”
You reply: “It makes me sad to hear that you don’t want to know your kid. I hope someday you do. I’d love to share who I am and what I’m doing in my life with you.”
You all are in: “…….[awkward silence]…….”
You say: “Hello?” as you pick up your cell phone and leave the room. {Sometimes avoidance is survival for the moment.}
Over the holidays, verbal assaults are one thing to prepare for, but if you fear physical assaults, find a way to avoid those environments. Ask a friend if you can spend the holiday with them. Ask the college if you can stay in your residence or another place on campus when some buildings shut down. Ask family members from a different side of the family if you can celebrate the holidays with them. Do anything you can to try to protect yourself from those situations and in the future draw the firm line that the physical attacker does not have access to you or your life. They need to earn the right to have contact with you, and that right cannot be earned unless the violence ends.
If you are unable to do all of this, at the very least keep reminding yourself that other people’s disapproval is not about you. You are your own person, even if you still have some dependence, you are moving toward a place of being an independent and proud individual. Take care of yourself this holiday and have those you love close by, either in proximity or via phone or email.
Ryan Sallans
Ryansallans.com
